Reflections on awareness, connection, and the strange tenderness of being alive.
Quite honestly, I would feel better writing as if I were talking to a very small group of people who actually want to change their lives, or people who are more aware of themselves than others.
This almost feels like a diary to myself.
Not that I’m quitting writing any other pieces, but this feels… normal.
What am I doing to improve myself? Realistically.
But I don’t want this to become some sort of manual for self-improvement where I run out of ideas.
Rather, a compilation of various thoughts in regard to being human.
The memories. The pains. The happiness. The sadness.
All of it.
I want to capture as much as I can from myself, to relay to those who need to see it.
I trust that it will find its way to them.
It’s not entirely about money.
There’s something more.
I need to get my message out. I need to get my thoughts out. These thoughts, these lessons, this experience, all mean something. Someone will find value in them.
Recently, I’ve been feeling strangely.
A feeling I can’t quite pinpoint, a blend of hopeful happiness, sorrow, and the faint taste of what might be regret. Might be.
A couple of weeks ago, I attended a family event with my wife and children. A cousin of mine was hosting a baby shower. They’d been trying for years, and they finally got their wish.
It was a momentous occasion, pure joy.
But sometimes, events like these bring two people from past lives into the same room.
Long story short: an ex from many, many years ago was there.
She’s married. I’m married.
Two separate lives that once planned to walk the same path.
This isn’t some story about “the one that got away.”
It’s not a Jay Gatsby moment of longing.
No.
In fact, I’ll spoil it for you: I have no idea what this is.
Maybe it’s nothing more than a way for me to organize my thoughts.
Maybe it’s an attempt to understand why certain people walk in and out of our lives.
The party itself was fantastic.
I had a wonderful time with my wife and children.
I caught up with my cousins, ate too much, and drank enjoyably.
But sprinkled in were those awkward glances, and quick eye contact with a person from another lifetime.
No hello. No goodbye.
Just mutual pretending for the sake of our spouses and family alike.
What did she feel? I don’t know.
What did I feel? I don’t know either.
That relationship ended abruptly and horribly. Thanks to me, of course.
Thinking about myself at twenty-four, from my current age of thirty-five, feels like thinking about a whole other species of human
Thoughts, perspectives, priorities, all changed. Evolved.
Like I said, this isn’t about longing for an ex.
But I do question, how and why do certain people come into your life?
When you’re younger, you don’t think about it. You don’t consider it. Not enough life has passed yet to look back on.
Later though, all those faces, all those characters seem to revisit you through the lessons of life.
Every now and then, you’ll find yourself in a situation you didn’t ask for, but somehow you know exactly what to say, what to do, how to be.
You’ve seen these patterns before, in the people you’ve crossed paths with.
All the people we meet, both good and bad, are never for nothing. I don’t think so, and neither do many ancient philosophies.
Every single person you’ve crossed paths with was for a reason.
Regardless of how long or short, how pleasant or unpleasant, every meeting has its place in the cosmos.
Many of those reasons reveal themselves through experience.
Others, I believe, will only make sense once we’ve left this plane.
I forgot where I was going with this… or whether I was going anywhere at all.
Still, I won’t leave you empty handed.
If there’s anything to take from this post, it’s this:
This thing, whatever this experience is, it’s confusing.
No one really knows the rules. But we’ve been given clues and hints.
There are times when the road gets bumpy and emotions run high.
Anxiety, worry, depression, anger, sadness, even happiness. They’re all equal emotions.
Asking for any one of them too much is selfish.
Don’t worry about trying to figure it all out.
Don’t try to take control.
It’s okay to feel human.
Life’s path unfolds effortlessly when the mind becomes quiet, and the body becomes still.
Sumit's Inkwell 
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